Dear Friend

Its been a minute since I've actually written in it and now that I'm taking the time to write it down it feels strange knowing that so many people will be reading my thoughts.  Last time we talked we kinda left on unstable terms.  I don't know how you feel about me but i guess i kinda miss you.  Only as a friend though even though for a little while we had more.  It's been a little while and I heard you doing fine even though you just a some miles away i would feel better if you was right here, not by my side just within fewer miles.  I tried to help you best I can but now I really wish that I could have done more and really followed through to make sure you was ok.  But anyway I heard you was doing fine and saving up to come back.  I hope that saving is almost over and you really come back where you always said you wanted to be.  I only think about you when I look through my phonebook, which clearly must be hella times in order for me to end up writing about you.  

Weary

My emotions get the best of me for the most part and I over think alot of things too. I sometime think it causes the downfall in all my relationships. My insecurities come not because I don't think I cant keep someone but they come because everyone that I ever had been with is now gone. Rather it be my fault or theirs.

I have a problem: I spend money like its water. And alot of times spend it before I get it. It's gottta stop. It's becoming an addiction. I'm about to look for shit now as I'm writing this. SHIT!

I'm in a relationship right now. I wanna stay in it. I hate games. I hate lies.

Update

Chapter1 Selfish.

: Zion:A Love Story

He would never say the "L" word to him though. That would be way to much and in my past it only complicate things. K-Boy was his name. There was nothing special about him. But at the same time there was, he was beautiful. His eye caught you in them and his body was enoguh where you knew you were protected.
There were always still thoughts of Xavior in my mind though. He really though that it would have worked out well with him.. But Xavior was aprehensive. To slow. And at times full of himself and what others though about him. He was beautiful though. More than all the rest at times. Xavior had alot to learn though. As much as he though he knew, it was only a fraction of the reality of what really needed to be learned.

"what the hell really makes him think even for a second that he is really that important" I though about Xavior as I was textin K-Boy."I told him a long time ago that I never wanted anyone to make me feel like CJ did" CJ was my ex. The one that hurt me the most and made it So Hard to ever love anyone again. At the very point Xavior was the farthest thing from my mind. One word somes him up, selfish.
Today went by so quickly. It was only monday though. 3 more days to go considering I dont have school on friday. Actually 2 because I wont be at school tommorro either. I think I will be sick. I'm sure that I will actually.

JustEmotions

Life is crazy is all I can say. I see it like this. Life is a tree and throughout your life you gonna have seasons. As the seasons come and go with the harsh weather and winds, those leaves will fall off and blow about but those branches are there to stay and every now and then a branch will break off and fall away from the tree. When that happens, you know its not over because you still have your roots from the tree to fall back on.
Look at it like this. The tree is you. And those harsh weather and seasons are the trails and tribulations we all go through. The leaves the blow about with the season change or the friends that come and go out of your life. The leaves are needed to help get your though but only for a period. And remember when those leaves fell off and all you has was your roots? Thats your familia. The ones who have always been there from start to finish.

I love my mom. Brittany.Alysa. My Dad. My Sister. My cousin Ashley. And myself.

SoHard

It's dumb that every time I hear the Lupe Fiasco song i still think of you or every time I see a Mitsubishi Galant I turn my head. Every time I go to that one particular Wal-Mart I kinda cringe. A lot of time it feels like it's gonna take a miracle to bring me back and your the one to blame. Alot of new relationships for me try to come along and form but I really don't have any need for any of them. I push them away because you made it so hard to trust again.
I don't really even know what to say. I'm letting the fact that I don't have someone dictate how I feel on an everyday basis. I don't really need anyone to make myself feel complete. I don't have to always text or call first. I don't have to do anything but just be me.
And I heard it all before. All the lies, the lines, the sweet talk. All of it sounds like
"blah,blah,blah" Can any one tell me something I don't know or have not heard?
I took this picture I have up. Setting black and white and blur. I really liked it. It expresses alot about me. Just gotta feel it.:)

LosingMyWay

Days that I don't feel like talking or discussing things are more or less days that I need to get my mind right. Days that I need to take off in order to gather myself without breaking down. If I'm out of school for a day or 2 it's because I need me time. Maybe I need a counselor or something. That may very well be the case but as of now I don't have one.
Me myself and I, thats all I got in the end is what I found out. And it ain't no need to cry I took a vow that from now on I'm gonna be my own best friend. From now on everything I do will depend solely upon myself. I will take all matters in my own hands and deal with them. I guess I have always failed to realized that no one is really entitiled to me. No one has to buy me things or tell me how things should be done. Its not anyones job but my own. But right now I really feel like I'm losing my way. And it's breaking me down, watching the world go round, while my dreams crash down. Is anybody out there

GetiTRight

It's funny how life is. How everyday is something totally different and life changing. Nothing important is going on in my life right now well actually.
I'm talking to NicoChristianson again. Remember two blogs ago how it was done and we stopped talkin, well its back on and poppin! He still my buttercup, but thats where is stops ya diqq? I will whip some &@% for him but thats all.Just friends.
About 6 months ago like last summer me and this kid named Robiio became madd cool. He lived in Vegas and blah blah blah. We ended up losin ALL connection. My phone got lost and his myspace deleted. Well I found him and we pickin up from right were we left off. He bomb. He's a killa.
I love Alysa. My best friend. But i really feel like school is placing a restriction on our relationship!!!
Does anyone know B. Did I introduce B. into my life yet??? Anyway B. is this fly ass type dude. Kinda got me on cloud 9. For now. The ones you think is perfect be the ones on the bull@#$%. Am I right?

Communication

Communication is key. Without that alot will breakdown and fail.

Chris my co-worker from AmericanEagleOutfitters text me today talkin about me working tonight. Now I have not been to work at AEO for OVER a month due to being accused of lying about my schedule. So I brought it in and proved EVERYONE wrong. So he text and basically said I work today at 7 will I be there. I told him no. Why would I go to work after being direspected by all of management. I brought in my schedule to make a statement not to fend for a job I was already leaving!! Anyway for everyone being nosey I work for Sprint now. BOMB as hell job. Lol....haterZZ

CunningLies

The cunning liars and sneaky lies told are far more interesting then the pure truth. For we all have an inclination for sin and for evil. And for many it seems to stimulate the mind.-Each lie has some sort of truth behind it

My ex[[NicoChristianson]] and I talked today for what I think to be the last time. From what I can tell he claims to be on a different level. A different place than where I am. A place "he wished I could be with him in". But I can't for the pure reason that I have to find my own way and make my own path.

We talked all week like normal until today when he write this to me in an email and it read "So it was fun for a little while, but I gotta end it...."
End what? End the relationship I was trying to build back up based on these "facts"

1.I talked to an ex of his[[Ray]]
-who came to my high school basketball game with my ex's supposed best friend[[Vi]]
-who after i was introduced wanted my number
-who after I was introduced said I was cute
-who asked me out on more than 3 dates and a declined every time

*But apparently I tried getting at him. I wanted him. I tried talking to him.
No lie I talked to the nigga on the phone a max of 10 times. Great convo. But honestly if I wanted it I would have had it.*

2.I fucked and went out with this dude[[Brandon]]
a]an apparently lied when he asked me about it
-i didn't know I was entitled to answering questions to my ex about things im doing with people. I would have ZERO problem telling the truth had it actually happened.

*But since Brandon ex told NicoChristianson that I went out with Brandon and fucked him, it MUST be true. I'm no saint. I chilled with Brandon at his house one day for about 2 hours. It was hell and he offered to ride me back to school but instead I walked*

3.My ex manager [[Brenda]]"shed some light on me"
-the same ex manger who hired her son under a false name to add extra income to her family.
-the same manager who cheated on her husband
-the same manager with 2 kids but cant hold a steady retail job for more than
3 months at a time
-the same manager who took it upon herself to tell all my co-workers i was gay

*Sounds like the type of person you would believe huh? Yea what a woman.*

As some read, don't feel stupid. Feel better knowing your cunning lies still tingle, stimulate, and emulate ignorance.

As time goes on the characters in my life will become more evident

_my first blog&&already drama_